Home again, getting older

It is my second day home. And it is my 37th birthday. So far, I'm enjoying myself.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping, bought all sorts of fresh fruit and veggies, and then went home and consumed them at intervals throughout an afternoon of delicious loafing. I also watched Estela Bravo's documentary on Fidel Castro, and unpacked.

In general I'm enjoying a schedule-less existence. But I do have a nagging feeling that my regular life is stalled. That for all the plans I make, library books I return, and things I consider acquiring to make my life run just a bit more smoothly, that I'm not on track to get anything done in the larger sense. I'm guessing I've had this feeling for some time, hence the Zen Buddhism practice, but it's stronger now, even unavoidable.

Had an interesting reflection on my birthday. I've never been a fan of my birthday, and this year I was quite moved by the grace and generosity of my good friends. I woke up this morning and looked at the cards, gifts, and flowers that people have given me, and I thought, those are nice, but they are not my birthday. My birthday is what I choose to do with it. And for the life of me, I'm not sure what to do. So my birthday will matter. So this day will count. So today will be an exercise in uncertainty. Not knowing what comes next, or what this year will hold. Not knowing when my life, as I have sometimes glimpsed it, will really begin.